ixisixi

I want to throw up

I can't really write here about anything I actually want to say anymore since it no longer just concerns myself. I don't mind spilling my own guts all over the emo side of the internet, but these days none of my issues really concern just myself.

Welp, see ya later.

eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Less maintenance, more wear and tear.

Sometimes I just can't tell what's genuine thought and what is the result of hormones and neurotransmitters. Granted, all thought is the result of a neurotransmitter, but I mean like alcohol, when we think things we would find silly or folly when it wears off. I've gotten really good at knowing when something I'm thinking is the result of a set neural pathway or logic circuit that leads to a lasting decision or emotion and simply not saying it if it's not. The problem is that I can't always tell with other people. Sometimes someone tells you they want to hang out or do some kind of thing with you at a later date, but when it comes time, they seem to have absolutely no desire to do what they said. Sometimes you talk to someone and feel like you really get along and then later it's almost like you were the only one who felt that way. What can be done? If we become aware of the apparent falsehood that is another person's statements, do we humor them? Do we call them out on it? Either way, I wonder if we all don't say or promise things we don't mean. I hope that I do a good enough job of staying consistent. Maybe not...

How important is it to keep yourself normal or at homeostasis versus getting caught up in a moment or atmosphere? I feel like I try to choose when to let go and go with the flow and that my feet are usually planted pretty firmly in my own ground. Ought we try to control it at all? What about those who can't help it? Does that imply anything about a person? I don't think as prolifically about behavior as I used to - in part because I've simply been busier, and in part because I don't have the confidence I once did in my own powers of observation. I also know now that not all questions - especially those that relate to the human condition and communication - necessarily have answers. While some answers I believe tend to lead to a better, more fulfilling life, there's nothing that says one has to or should achieve such a thing. Some people will find their salvation in shallow comforts or hedonism, some in the pages of a book, and some at the bottom of a bottle. Who am I to judge?

I need to reassess my goals and ideals and gain a better understanding of what I want and how I should be or not be... I just don't have what I need yet to find answers and I don't know when I will. I need an adversary against which I can sharpen my thoughts.

My friends are great. Remember everyone in your life who was supportive, reassured you, reminded you, and made everything feel like it was gonna be great. The kind of compliments and nice things I heard today almost made me cry and nobody is ever that kind to me. It feels really good to know there are people who think highly of me and have a lot of respect for me. It reminds me of Ben folds:

My my, the kindest truths are often spoken, never heard

I need to remember to tell people that I appreciate them and why I do more often because it seriously made my day go from really sad to incredibly happy.

Mike Mamassian

I have no idea how the past week has managed to be so great. I've never felt so wonderful and completely exhausted and tired at the same time. I think this is probably how young parents get through newborns. My level of fulfillment is so high that my exhaustion seems trivial.

I can't wait for school to be over so I can have friends again.

We're all entitled to face our own issues... assuming we face them at all.

Remember that whenever you start to freak out, you're probably overreacting.